What do I hope my kids to remember about me?

I just finished 2 books by Khaled Hosseini, Kite Runner and And the Mountains Echoed. In the stories, there were many reminiscences of childhood memories as the characters grew up to adulthood and aged. Everything that shapes a person ties back to his childhood memories and his growing up experiences. I think of myself and wonder what kind of memories will my kids grow up remembering fondly of or on the flip side, what memories they wish not to surface again.

When my kids were young, we were much more carefree and ventured more outdoors and nature. There were so many new experiences and new places to go. There were no or minimal homework and tests. No expectations too. The kids enjoyed everywhere we took them to. All things were considered fun and funny. Things were simpler. I wonder if they would look back and remember those happy days.

Now that the kids are grown up, opportunities to go outdoors for play reduced dramatically. Despite the fact that our kids have no tuition and more free time than most other kids, we certainly do not go for as much outdoor play as before. 2 days of weekend are spent on art class, soccer class, piano class, homework and tests revision. Any leftover time is spent reading, watching TV, groceries shopping, running errands and meal times with grandparents or cousins. I wonder what memories would the kids remember of these weekends. Hopefully not the homework and thronging between classes. It will be good if they remember the family time, the sleepover at grandma’s, dinner with cousins and grandparents.

These days, without a maid at home, I lost some precious time to doing house chores. You lose some. You gain some. I lost some precious time with the kids after work and not to mention blogging time, but the kids gain discipline and no longer take a clean house for granted. My hours after work are divided into completing minimal house chores, especially those that irritate me tremendously if not done (eg. A clean dining table and 80% clean floor), and coaching the 2 elder kids whenever they need my help and playing with the youngest. As we have implemented 930pm lights out, it practically leaves almost zero family bonding time on weeknights.

Sometimes, one of the elder kids would tell me that homework was done for that day and that would be a lucky day to play a game of monopoly together. We have no time for TV after dinner. I am often spotted walking briskly from the dining table to the sink and back while one ear hearing some school matters from one child with the other ear hearing some escalating squabbles and anticipating my involvement. I am mostly not looking at the speaking child’s eyes when he/she talks. I wish I have more ears, more eyes, to really listen. I am a bad role model in paying attention. What do my children remember of me? Mummy never listens. Mummy never stops what she is doing to pay attention to me. Oh..

I am not too sure if house chores are to be blamed entirely. I remember when I had a helper, I did not have much luxury to look the kids in the eyes when they talk. The problem must be with me. It is a bad habit of mine to look out for something to do and forever busying myself like a headless fly, obsessed with completing chores perfectly before going on to be with the children. Should I return one night and do nothing about house chores and really do nothing and only sit and listen to each and every child when he talks? Maybe this will change the way of life I have been so tiredly accustomed to. Maybe finally, I get to be carpe diem. I may even get to spend more time with each and every child. Surely, I do not want the kids to remember me as a tired, unsmiling mother who is forever in a rush.

Periodically, one child acts up, melts down and for some time, becomes the attention seeking child. My first thought goes to blame myself for not spending more time with this child, causing him/her to undo all expected good behaviour we have painstakingly taught them. Just recently, I tried to allocate 20 minutes of uninterrupted time with every child each night. I want them to know that Mummy cares for them and am interested in all that happen in school. It is not easy to implement this when I have so little time for everything. But certainly spending 1-1 time with my children deserves priority over any other chores. I shall update you how it goes with this change.

One friend of mine comments that I had not once mentioned about spending time with my husband whenever I lament about having not enough time spent with the family. I guess he is the most neglected of all. He hardly complains although I should not take things for granted. I realise that we can never assume that there will be lots of time in future when our nest is empty to think about spending more time with our spouse. Live in the moment because we never know what will happen tomorrow or the next minute. I wonder how people allocate time for all family members. Perhaps I am too structured. Perhaps I harp too much on spending time with kids. Perhaps I am too hard up on myself. Perhaps life is actually very simple: just let go, relax and enjoy family bliss. The formula could be really no formula at all.

Today, I shall return home, forget about the house chores and connect, relax and walk into each child’s room to spend uninterrupted minutes before I take a book to read or play a game with any child who is free to entertain me. I want my kids to remember that their working mother does return home to have a relax evening, who is ever ready to look them in the eyes and really connects with them. Especially to my girl, I want her to know that a working mother does not need to slog at house chores after work. She can have happy and relax moments even when she is a mother of 3.