I have been pretty quiet on the blog. There are only 4 blog posts since the start of this year. My presence on social media is diminishing. Forgive me if I have not been responding to your queries on the blog promptly. Forgive me if I have not been up to date with your lives. I don’t think I am having a mid-life crisis, but just trying hard to regain my balance in life. I have limited energy everyday. I am totally drained when I hit the bed. I don’t know how my friends can watch K dramas and play mobile games. I don’t know how other mum bloggers can be so up-to-date with the latest news and gossips and instagram feeds. Maybe they treasure their me-time more than me and are not such a worry-pot like me. Oh, fretting over the house chores and children are lethal combination to one’s energy. I wish I can let go of my ‘Mum-have-it-all” self and worry less.
It has been 6 months since the helper left. To say the truth, sometimes, I secretly wish that I still have a helper to ease my house chores and gain some precious hours, with it, energy. This is especially so whenever I see that the dust piled up at corners, a forever untidy common table, the dirty chores which I am not keen to do like washing toilets and dealing with household pests. Well, I employed part-time cleaners to my house once a week and none of them could stay on. Maybe I am too fussy but we all think that our house may be too messy for these choosy cleaners. I may have to start decluttering my house first and clean up before I get these cleaners to start work. So, who will pay me to do that? Even good cleaners are hard to come by these days. Hence, I decided to stop engaging them for a while.
The decision to be helper-less is here to stay. The encouraging side is seeing that the kids no longer take things for granted. It is heartwarming to hear them say “Thank you” whenever I help them do their chores on days that they are busy with homework. The nagging still goes on to correct some bad habits, but it is getting better. I am always sweaty and sticky most of the time after house chores. The kids comment on that but they still hug and kiss me. Such gestures warm my heart.
Some nights, I lose it. I teared too. This is usually triggered by the kids’ squabbles. I know it is part and parcel of growing up, but it drains me completely when there is no peace in the house. When all are shouting at the top of their voice, I feel like a lousy mum. I hate it when I cry because it shows that I am not strong in front of the kids. With the sudden dam breaking, all the daytime frustrations at work dealing with conflicts and backstabs seem to ride on the wave to hit me fast and furious. I feel totally breathless.
Are you a parent who is chill about the kids’ homework? I thought I am but I am not. Although as much as I like to be laid-back, I hardly can contain my worries when I see that my elder boy is so cool about his homework and exams. It must be a boy’s thing, to be so chill about it. I know if I leave him alone, he will do just fine. So, it boils down to my insistence on my ways of finishing homework early and be worry-free for play later on. Apparently, Master 11 does not think so, and he much much prefers to play to his heart’s content before he starts his homework at the eleventh hour, often past his bedtime on most nights. Yes, he will do fine, but isn’t this a compromise for his sleeping time? Should I intervene or let him be? I am still learning to deal with the middle child.
Despite all these energy drainers in my after work hours, I try to squeeze in time to connect with people who matter to me most. The first person to pay attention to, is myself. I read continuously to improve myself, gain knowledge and unwind. I resume my running and exercising to keep myself fit. I maintain my healthy diet as much as I can to keep in good health and good shape. One thing I do lesser is blogging. I need more sleep and choose to go to bed than to keep up on blogging. I am not regretting this because I have too many other things to do that matter more. Hence, for now, while I am finding my balance, I will only blog when the mood comes or to meet some blog commitment. I hope my readers will bear with me for now as I pay more attention to do the other things I love.
The other people to pay attention to is, of course, my family. A lunch date with my mum is often rejuvenating. So is a nice dinner and good conversation with my hubby, away from everyday mundane on-goings. I treasure 1-on-1 dates with the kids once in a while. And I try to meet up good friends and ex-colleagues-turn-friends as much as possible too. The effort to maintain good human relationship is worth it because having good relationship with people who matter makes me a blessed and happy person.
With so many things on my plate, I wish I have more time for the kids and myself. Am I allocating the right proportion of time correctly? Sometimes I have self-doubts about me being a good mum. I may be too ambitious to try to have it all. Right now, I am still trying to find a balance. I am sure eventually I will get there. Wish me luck.
