Tag: patience

Deciding when to have kids

Many friends whom I know, including myself, would love to start plan B (B for Baby) after they have enjoyed their marriage for about 2 years.  That’s a reasonable time before committing themselves to parenthood for life.  Well, statistics show that many are putting off marriage till early 30s or mid-30s.  That could only mean that plan B will start mid-30s and late 30s and there comes increasing complications, particularly in health.  Not to mention that waiting for a successful pregnancy may be longer.

What is in store for those who start plan B late?

1. Fewer kids

If a couple were to have their first baby at the age of 32, they will be less likely to have more than 2 kids.  It is more ideal that there is a space of at least 18 months between 2 pregnancies for the womb and body to recover from childbirth stress.  Family planning will see that the 2nd child be delivered at the age of 34 and beyond, and the 3rd will be over 35 which the woman will fall into the high risk category.  Exceptions will probably be those delivering twins or triplets.

2. Energy level goes down with age

Those who have children will know that children’s energy levels will always surpass that of their parents.  It’s tiring to keep up with the kids’ energy level.  From day 1, they demand night feeds which really zap energy like a thirsty hippo.  In toddler days, the wobbly walking and head over heels running will keep you on your toes behind them, back bent forwards with arms outstretched to anticipate falls.  When they master running, you wonder why they hardly walk anymore.  I often imagine XX and YH’s feet fitted with rockets.  Whenever we return from my parent’s house for dinner, we have to walk through this long corridor at about 830pm.  Then their “rockets” start to propel them down the corridor despite countless fore-warnings to walk quietly.  Kel and I wonder if the opposite would happen if we have shouted “RUN!  RUN FASTER!”.

3. You may be mistaken as your children’s grandparents

Unless you upkeep your image, you may be mistaken for your children’s granny or grandpa if you are not careful.  By the time your youngest child reaches 20 years old, you could be near 60!  My parents were already grandparents when they were 50 and 55 years old.  But those were the generation of early marriage and parenthood.  This would only get worse with each generation procrastinating plan B.

4. Complications in pregnancy and health

There are many risks with getting pregnant beyond the age of 35.  Rates of miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy go up with age.  In fact, these women will have to go through genetic counselling and genetic testing to screen or diagnose for birth defects.  Of course, all pregnancies may come with birth defect risk, but age factor raises this risk substantially.  The older you are to get pregnant, the higher the risk of getting chronic disease, such as high blood pressure and diabetes.  You can visit babycenter for more information on this.

5. Better handle kids when you are older

This is perhaps the only positive reason I can think of for having children at an older age.  Being older may mean that you can handle babies and young children with more patience compared to when you were in your mid-20s. You may be at a more matured mental state to handle crying babies and demanding children and you’ll be able to enjoy your children more. I find myself handling my 3rd baby better than I did when I had my first child.  Experience plays a part, but I am calmer and more at ease to face the challenges of child-rearing now than before.  Financially, you may be more stable and that eliminates one major stress factor, making plan B more affordable.

Considering the above factors, I think it is good to start plan B as early as possible into your marriage.  When I delivered XX, my first child, I was 26, YH when I was 28 and now YT when I was 33.  I could feel lots of difference when I was pregnant in my 20s compared to my 30s.  The greatest difference was my energy level. It was much lower when I was pregnant with my 3rd baby.  I got tired easily and was sleepier than before.  I was not as agile as my first 2 pregnancies and walked with much difficulties during the last 2 weeks before I delivered.  Even the delivery saw me push 4 times before the baby was out compared to 2 times with my other 2.

Have children early and never think that you are not ready for them.  The moment the crying newborn is put into your hands, you are a MUM or DAD.  There will be no doubt that the baby trusts you entirely for his happiness.  If such a little one can trust you, you can do it!

What’s your ideal age for having kids?

Coping with 3 kids – the first month

Coping with 3 kids, as I had expected, will take lots of adjustment and patience.

Initial first days, I had to educate my older kids to be aware of keeping low key and not have sudden shouts, screams or sounds that will startle the baby.  Besides, I was also anxious to go back to normal routine of supervising the older kids’ homework, piano to reading story books after not being with them for the few days I was in hospital.  All these tire me out quickly as I needed much rest and was still trying to establish breastfeeding routine.  Feeding the baby easily takes up 45 minutes to an hour each time, and more than 8 times a day.  It didn’t help that my breastfeeding sessions were giving me lots of pain and suddenly with XX occasional outbursts of rudeness and disobedience, I was so overwhelmed with sadness, Kel suspected I suffered some degree of post-natal blues.

Of course, I cried, scolded the kids and self-pitied.  Luckily Kel was so supportive, he handled the kids and even managed to change XX attitude 180 degrees around.  Stubborn as I was, I insisted total breastfeeding, and recovered my sore breastfeeding woes by expressing on one breast and direct feeding on the other.  It helped! There was no more tears and things slowly fall into their place and I changed the way I talked to the older kids and also learnt to close an eye on not so important things that I frowned upon.  Disciplining kids is a never-ending responsibility, even when I am breastfeeding halfway, time is not wasted in reading books, listening to their piano practice, etc.

My XX and YH used to have my full attention.  Right now, with baby number 3, they have to share my time with their little brother.  I am really grateful that there is no sibling rivalry for now.  I had to explain to them time and again, why I had to spend so much time breastfeeding, why I needed lots of rest, why I am in confinement, why this and why that….  Taking care of a baby can be so overwhelming, I find myself neglecting the older ones.  Many times, I had to remind myself that the older kids needed me too, and I cannot spend all my waking hours solely with the baby.  I will have to part with the baby for a while and let others have a chance to care for the baby.  I am lucky to have help from the confinement lady for this month, help from my parents and in-laws, and of course help from my supportive hubby.  Without them, coping with 3 will be an uphill task, and I would not have the rest I needed to recover my energy and health.

When the day XX and YH waited below our apartment and cheered like cheerleaders as they welcomed the baby and me to come back from the hospital, that’s the first day that all of us will be learning to adjust and accomodate to each other’s needs and staying together as a happy family of five.  And I know I have realized my dream of being a mother of 3 wonderful kids.

Learning Piano: From Dread to Love

XX has been learning piano in the Yamaha Junior Music Course (YJC) for almost 3 years .  That, to me, is already an achievement to her and me.  Firstly, learning something new is not easy, and to be able to sustain learning is even more difficult.  Piano course is XX’s first enrichment class and in fact her only one till now.  Kel and I have been careful not to stress our kids in taking too many courses.  Ok, I know one is not alot at all and she may have time to learn another new skill.  Or rather, WE as parents can “squeeze” some more time to bring her to a second enrichment class, which means multiply by 2 if you have 2 kids like me.

All parents will know that for their children to take courses, it involves tremendous determination, time, effort, coordination and of course trade-offs.  It doesn’t help that YH has started this year in the same Yamaha JMC course too (The first 2 years being JMC – Junior Music Course, and the next 2 years being JXC – Junior Extension Course).  Luckily I was able to find an exactly same time slot for the both of them at the same Yamaha branch.  In that case, we do not need to spend unnecessary hours waiting for the next class to start.

I have all praises for Yamaha JMC/JXC course.  Having some background in music, I appreciate the Yamaha teaching approach and emphasis on by-ear hearing for children at the age of 4 onwards.  Age of 4 is the golden start year of a child’s hearing.  Parents have to sit in with their children for the initial 2 years in JMC.  So now, XX is already in her 3rd year (JXC) and I am proud that she is independent enough to attend the weekly one hour lesson on her own!  That includes taking down notes and following her teacher, Ms Tan’s instructions!  I could not have believed it half a year back!  One thing I have learnt is that kids will be forever dependent on you until the day you let go and let them be on their own.  How true is that for XX!

These 3 years are not without ups and downs in learning piano.  The ups and downs apply as much to XX as to me.  From the initial enthusiasm to asking for permission to skip the class to tearful practices at home and to current going-to-piano-on-her-own, it indeed is a roller coaster ride for both of us.  I would not say she has great affection for the piano.  But she definitely enjoys it.

How do I deal with her tantrums at the point of low interest in piano?

The ingredients are lots of PATIENCE and PATIENCE and PATIENCE!

1) Patience! Patience! Patience!

There are many times when I feel like pulling my hair or stomp off the seat (which I guiltily admit I did!) when I am coaching her practice.  There are times when I feel like stopping her lessons.  But, this is the only class she goes, and she is good at it, and I can see signs of enjoyment during class and smirk of satisfaction on her face when she masters a piece.  I have to keep telling myself to think positively that both of us must persevere and must not give up learning halfway.  I took a bet on this one despite many negative withdrawal thoughts.  I won, at least until today.

2) Practise in a fun way!

Children love games!  When my girl is discouraged with playing a difficult piece, I put her favourite clip on the back of her hand.  The challenge is to play the piece without dropping the clip.  She takes up the challenge happily and practices more times and it helps her familiarize the song without knowing.  Bravo!  She masters the song!  (By the way, XX is good at memorizing and mastering songs in less than 5 tries!)

As for YH, he practises the piano with his pooh bear behind him as you can see here 🙂

 

3) Have a mini concert

While XX is practicing her pieces to almost passable standard, I will invite her brother YH to have a crazy dance.  We can fall to the floor at the cue of the last note.  We can dance in a slow but funny way with moderato or largo tempo.  We do a fast one with allegro songs.  We tried waltz and tango as well.  Everyone enjoys the concert.

4) Playing for others

Sometimes, knowing too much can be a disadvantage too. XX loves to play for her 爷爷 (grandpa) who doesn’t know how to play the piano.  She finds herself an expert compared to him and loves the applause and encouraging words from him after a song.  He doesn’t criticize much.  For me, I have the urge to correct mistakes and point out improvements.  XX, at her lousy mood times, will throw tantrums when I correct her.  When tantrums flood in, the entire session is spoilt.  I try my best to avoid this.

5) Encouragement and lots of it!

XX’s Yamaha teacher, Ms Tan is extremely good at handling kids.  I learnt from her some silly ways to make practice sessions fun.  When XX plays a song well, instead of clapping my hands, I ask her to tap her nose together with me.  We tap our cheeks and shoulders and anywhere we find silly and funny.  Such amusing and fun actions liven up the entire practice session.  And it works great with the young one YH.

At times, when my girl throws tantrums, I bit my lip and use my most tender and loving voice to push her on.  When it doesn’t work, I stop the practice session totally and announce to continue the next day.  I would rather stop the session abruptly than to let her continue in a sulking manner.  Playing the piano is supposed to be fun and enjoyable.  I would not want her to link piano with stress and lousy feelings.

 

I strongly believe that learning the piano will teach my kids

–                PATIENCE (while figuring out notes and expressions),

–                ENDURANCE (in mastering a piece of song),

–                PERSEVERANCE (in the long road to Grade 8 and above)

–                INDEPENDENCE (go to class alone, take down notes, and practice on her own at home)

–                ENJOYMENT (a way of expressing herself, her feelings, her thoughts through music, that’ll be in the future)

–                PRIDE (to learn a skill and able to display confidence to an audience)

Well, the route of learning is tough.  But, I am happy that I am able to accompany XX and YH in this long journey to reap the intangibles and values that we pick up along the way.

Do you have interesting ways to encourage your kids?  Share with me!

 

Dealing with back talk and rude behaviour [+ Free Printables!]

Recently my 6-yr-old has been going into her “pre-tweens” stage.  Yes, “pre-tweens”!  (Tween is the new word for describing someone between child and teen age, and I guess my girl belongs to the stage before that, hence, “pre-tweens”)  She has been defiant and rude to her mummy and daddy.  She challenges our stare or no stare, mumbles under her breath, knuckles on her waist, folds her arms, back talks, anything that you can see in an adolescent.  Oh dear!  You can imagine how devastated I feel. My natural instinct was to flip back on my childhood memories and nope, I could not find anything similar in my childhood days to deal with such behaviour.  Usually I will think back on how my mother would have dealt with such a situation and mirror her actions or improvised from there.  My next thinking is self-blame.  This is bad.  I start to think I may not have spent enough time with her.  There were some changes in the house recently as we just moved house.  Next on my thought list is that she picked up from her friends in school.  Fair enough, I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she is not by nature a rude girl. Continue reading “Dealing with back talk and rude behaviour [+ Free Printables!]”