Tag: Parenting issues

I want to stop hurrying my kids

After reading through the handsfreemama post on “The day I stopped saying ‘hurry up“, I felt so guilty and upset of frequently saying “Hurry up…” to my kids. I am one who is impatient, and one who want to complete many things in my limited time spent with my kids since I am a working mum.  The post resonates so much with what I am experiencing, I decided to check myself on how I can right things and stop uttering the “H” word so frequently.

On Saturday mornings when the kids have piano lessons, I hurry my kids to brush their teeth, eat their breakfasts, and change their clothes. When time is running out, I hurry them out the door, ignoring complaints of little feet hurting because of some blisters or dismissing their remarks of forgetting to do their piano theory with “I told you so…” or speaking at top speed of “There’s no time to tie your hair in pleats now.  We’ll have to do that in the train or while waiting for the lift.  If you had stopped watching tv, your hair would have been tied by now!” all under one breath.  It is usually these stressful, late for class moments that the kids will start to go back in the house to find their animal kaiser cards, story books, little pet shop toys, erasers, etc, etc.  It gets on my nerves and I’ll be off shouting “1,2,3 out the house” commands, all the time carrying baby YT in the baby carrier.  The baby must have felt all the anger, his mummy’s fast heartbeats thumping against his head and the negative ions in the air. At such times, the papa would start to pour in some oil to the fire by criticising my time management.

On weekday evenings, we have dinner at leisurely pace.  However, halfway through the meal, my 6 yr old YH will start to leave his chair, walk about, sit or stand (I can’t make out of which is which), and it is this time, Kel and I will hurl out the “H” word to command him back to the dining table .  After dinner, during piano practice, YH will dilly dally about. He can play one song, walks about, plays with his dinosaurs, goes back to the piano again, and bangs the keys.  At such trying times, I will “coax” him back to proper practice by using the “H” word.  I said, “If you quickly (a synonym for hurry) play the pieces well and practise seriously, you can master the pieces quickly (2nd time usage here) and we can go on to do other stuff together earlier (another form of hurry up).”  See!  I have used the “H” word in different forms here, 3 times in one sentence!  Not to mention, I said it in a hurried way too.

As the evening is so short, I try to squeeze in lots of activities into the 2 hours that we have.  It became a habit to utter the “H” word conveniently, add in the “H” mood, it truly is not the kind of relax evening I would love to have with my kids.

Then, I decided, to make an evening happy and relax,

I need to slow down my pace.
I need to speak at a slower speed.
I need to forgo multi-tasking to some extent.
I need to plan and prepare earlier for outings.
I need to target arriving at all functions 10 minutes before start time.
I need to stop using the “H” word or its synonyms.

On many occasions, if I can allow more time by planning in advance and like what kel said, to better manage time, or allowing an extra 10 minutes, I need not use the “H” word 9 out of 10 times.

I decided to slow down my pace this week and check on myself for uttering the “hurry up” words.  I begin to observe many things that I have never seen before, or rather have forgotten. My boy, YH has such beautiful eyes when he smiles. When I stop myself from interfering with the way he plays with his baby brother (he can be violent sometimes), I realize he is very conscious of whether the baby smiles as a result of his funny actions. He beams with his crescent eyes and toothless grin when YT smiles or claps his hands.  When I allow him tantrums during piano practice and do not hurry him, he goes back to the piano on his own after cooling down and plays smoothly without hiccups. When I do not hurry him for bedtime, he produces beautiful drawings and little crafts. He is slow in writing, yet, when I sit down beside him and look at him, forcing myself to throw out hurrying thoughts, I find that he writes with such moving intensity, I could have cried.

I do not tend to hurry my girl, XX, so much. She is more disciplined and independent.  When I plan things in advance and remind her from time to time, she does things responsibly and timely. I have learnt to look at her and observe the things that she does.  I learn to listen to her with full attention. When I allow her to bathe the baby (with help of course), she can do almost everything that I do, although with double the time I spent. She can wash the baby’s hair, body, change the diapers and help the baby wear his clothes, etc. She loves to have me say goodnight unhurriedly and have me on her bed beside her while recalling what happened in the day. When I stay around in her room for a little while, she flashes her sweet girlish smile and speaks in babyish voice.  I love her voice.

My kids tend to sleep late and have a thousand and one things to do before lights out.  I used to hurry them to dreamland so that they have enough sleep and so do I.  Now, when I do not hurry bedtime so much, they settle down better and I got to enjoy the perfect bedtime ritual of kissing them goodnight before I leave the room in peace.

I love my kids.  I want to enjoy time being with them while they still want me by their side.  The dishes can wait, the dirty floor can wait, even the me-time can wait.  My kids are growing up everyday and soon, I will have lots of time by myself and probably too much time on hand to spend.  When that time comes, I wouldn’t want my kids to hurl back the “H” word to me.  I would equally want them to enjoy time with me at a leisurely pace.

(Thanks to handsfreemama Rachel whose beautiful write-up causes me to stop and re-look at my hurried pace. You can check out her blog here, she writes beautifully and so true to what we parents experience.)

Deciding when to have kids

Many friends whom I know, including myself, would love to start plan B (B for Baby) after they have enjoyed their marriage for about 2 years.  That’s a reasonable time before committing themselves to parenthood for life.  Well, statistics show that many are putting off marriage till early 30s or mid-30s.  That could only mean that plan B will start mid-30s and late 30s and there comes increasing complications, particularly in health.  Not to mention that waiting for a successful pregnancy may be longer.

What is in store for those who start plan B late?

1. Fewer kids

If a couple were to have their first baby at the age of 32, they will be less likely to have more than 2 kids.  It is more ideal that there is a space of at least 18 months between 2 pregnancies for the womb and body to recover from childbirth stress.  Family planning will see that the 2nd child be delivered at the age of 34 and beyond, and the 3rd will be over 35 which the woman will fall into the high risk category.  Exceptions will probably be those delivering twins or triplets.

2. Energy level goes down with age

Those who have children will know that children’s energy levels will always surpass that of their parents.  It’s tiring to keep up with the kids’ energy level.  From day 1, they demand night feeds which really zap energy like a thirsty hippo.  In toddler days, the wobbly walking and head over heels running will keep you on your toes behind them, back bent forwards with arms outstretched to anticipate falls.  When they master running, you wonder why they hardly walk anymore.  I often imagine XX and YH’s feet fitted with rockets.  Whenever we return from my parent’s house for dinner, we have to walk through this long corridor at about 830pm.  Then their “rockets” start to propel them down the corridor despite countless fore-warnings to walk quietly.  Kel and I wonder if the opposite would happen if we have shouted “RUN!  RUN FASTER!”.

3. You may be mistaken as your children’s grandparents

Unless you upkeep your image, you may be mistaken for your children’s granny or grandpa if you are not careful.  By the time your youngest child reaches 20 years old, you could be near 60!  My parents were already grandparents when they were 50 and 55 years old.  But those were the generation of early marriage and parenthood.  This would only get worse with each generation procrastinating plan B.

4. Complications in pregnancy and health

There are many risks with getting pregnant beyond the age of 35.  Rates of miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy go up with age.  In fact, these women will have to go through genetic counselling and genetic testing to screen or diagnose for birth defects.  Of course, all pregnancies may come with birth defect risk, but age factor raises this risk substantially.  The older you are to get pregnant, the higher the risk of getting chronic disease, such as high blood pressure and diabetes.  You can visit babycenter for more information on this.

5. Better handle kids when you are older

This is perhaps the only positive reason I can think of for having children at an older age.  Being older may mean that you can handle babies and young children with more patience compared to when you were in your mid-20s. You may be at a more matured mental state to handle crying babies and demanding children and you’ll be able to enjoy your children more. I find myself handling my 3rd baby better than I did when I had my first child.  Experience plays a part, but I am calmer and more at ease to face the challenges of child-rearing now than before.  Financially, you may be more stable and that eliminates one major stress factor, making plan B more affordable.

Considering the above factors, I think it is good to start plan B as early as possible into your marriage.  When I delivered XX, my first child, I was 26, YH when I was 28 and now YT when I was 33.  I could feel lots of difference when I was pregnant in my 20s compared to my 30s.  The greatest difference was my energy level. It was much lower when I was pregnant with my 3rd baby.  I got tired easily and was sleepier than before.  I was not as agile as my first 2 pregnancies and walked with much difficulties during the last 2 weeks before I delivered.  Even the delivery saw me push 4 times before the baby was out compared to 2 times with my other 2.

Have children early and never think that you are not ready for them.  The moment the crying newborn is put into your hands, you are a MUM or DAD.  There will be no doubt that the baby trusts you entirely for his happiness.  If such a little one can trust you, you can do it!

What’s your ideal age for having kids?

A little me-time for myself

I have always known that self-care is very important.  But such is the way of life: the more you think you know it, the more you put it at the back of your mind.  You find yourself running on empty fuel,  and still stepping on the accelerator, bite your lips and continue on.  Before you know it, parts break down, with the risk of running into accidents.  As mothers, It’s a natural instinct that we put our children and family first and ourselves last.  Even thinking about some possible me-time, we feel guilty.  We have no time to sleep nor go to the toilet, all our waking moments, we think about our children, so what me-time are you talking about?

How to be a happy mum

I borrowed a great book from the library recently, it is “How to be a happy mum” by Siobhan Freegard.  One of the chapters is “What About Me?”  Reading it tunes in so adeptly with me.  In fact, I should have seen all the warning signs coming:

 

Anxious
Edgy
Snappy
Tired
Exhausted
Stressed
Unfulfilled
Discontent
Resentful

 

You could be finding the above mentioned emotions rise up from within, and you push them away and continue to engage in more activities to get on top of things.  You could be feeling that there’s no end to what goes on, snap at your children and feel guilty, at the end of it all, feel more tired and resentful.  If this is what is happening right now, please hit the “STOP” button in you and seriously acknowledge that your plate is totally full and spilling out.  You have to start putting yourself in FIRST priority.  Just like in an airplane, adults should put on their oxygen mask before putting on for their children, we have to take care of our well-being before we can take good care of our children. 

 

One of the quotes from the book:
“Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean you stop loving your children, or that you are a bad wife or mother.  In fact, it will make you an even better one.”

 

Once your own well-being is being taken good care of, you will have more energy, more laughter and more joy to share with your children.  Once you value yourself, your daughter will learn that one day when she becomes a mum, she will role-model after you and be better equipped to look after herself and her future family.  Your son will have greater respect for and realistic expectations of his future partner.  So, taking good care of yourself has its valuable effect on your kids!

 

How shall we start with having some me-time, now that we have forgotten how to think for ourselves?  Think of what you do will make you breathe easier and have some calmness within you.  Below are what I do for myself:
1. Exercise
One early morning after my baby’s feed, and he went back to sleep, I decided I shall not busy myself with house chores yet again on this particular lovely morning.  House chores will never finish no matter how much time I invest in it.  But feeling good is definitely worth investing time in.  Hence, I put on my jogging gear and without pausing for a moment for fear I will back out again, I close the door behind me and jog all the way to the park.  I love to exercise as I know it will clear my mind, and have me sort out my thoughts while I sweat it out.  I just didn’t find the time for it! True enough, the morning ionized air energized me greatly and I felt the world is full of hope and everything to me seems beautiful.  For the entire day, I did not feel as tired and the morning workout was enough to see me through the day without much snapping.
2. Reading in peace
I find solace in reading.  I love to read magazines and a good book.  Nowadays, I only have time for parenting books.  It empowers me with knowledge and parenting tips that I find myself forgetting now and then.  Perhaps, reading parenting books still have to do with well, parenting, it takes away some guilt while I indulge in this little me-time.  Reading can only take place before the kids wake up or after they fall asleep.
3. Go out with friends
I look forward to all outings with my best friend.  Sadly, we only manage to make time for this only twice a year.  It’s something I need to work out with her so that both of us feel great with this me-time.  An afternoon chat over a good meal and shopping revitalizes women magically.  Even though we talk about kids too, we always take away good tips from each other and even solving each other’s problems.  Most importantly, I need some good friends’ interaction other than just interacting with my kids.
4. Go out with your hubby
I look forward to this too as a revitalizing date with my hubby, kel.  I can’t stress more about the importance of going on regular dates with your partner.  Having a great relationship has a positive multiplier effect on the family.  Kids strive in loving family environment and all the good behaviour, good grades, healthy kids come from families with parents who love each other very much.
5. Pamper yourself with a spa or going to the hairdresser
Going to the spa or to the hairdresser sounds such a luxury and to busy mums, a time-waster.  I find doing my hair or simply having a hair cut, is so difficult to squeeze any time for, and not to mention going to a 2 hour spa.  Kel has encouraged me to go for such luxury simply because he feels I need them and would feel good after that.  With his encouragement, I would try to plan some time to go for it.  Actually this is like a bi-monthly thing, or even a quarterly thing.  So I really shouldn’t feel guilty spending that 2 or 3 hours once every few months.
6. Spend 10 min a day doing something you like
10 minutes sounds simple and achievable.  However, it can easily be put off till mid-morning, till afternoon, and before you know, your energy level is left with 1% and you just want to hit the sack.  Just like what you would draft out your kids’ time-table, put it in a time-slot that you know you have the least disruption.  And make sure you stick to it just like you want your kids to stick to their time-table.  You can use these 10 minutes to catch up on the day’s news, a chapter of a novel, to blog 2 paragraphs of an up-coming post, to buff your nails, put on a mask, drink a cup of good coffee, or a glass of wine while thinking of nothing, etc, etc… Start now, and remember, it’s just 10 minutes of the 24x60min in a day, which equates to just 0.7% of a day!

 

The challenge comes in doing all these regularly so that it is part of your home schedule.  For me, it  will be challenging to make time for myself during my work days. So, this will not be just a weekend thing, but an on-going time-table that I have to adhere to.

Wish me luck, I’ll be updating again on whether I can do what I preached!

You may like to read one of my earlier post that I almost forgot about: “Why it is important to be YOURSELF in front of your kids“.

Re-reading it allows me to re-look at the important things that I have forgotten after I have my 3rd baby, and thus, pushes me to indulge in me-time now.

 

Do you have me-time? How do you find time for me-time?  Share with me!

My baby is 8! (month old I mean)

Baby YT is 8 month old! I would like to jot down his baby milestones before my scatterbrain forgets.

YT at 8mth
My baby’s 8th month milestone

When he was 7 mth, he had 7 teeth, 4 up and 3 down. He can clap his hands happily and non-stop with his new found achievement. Because he’s such a clever baby, XX uses this as a good reason for him to be rewarded with stacking blocks toy that I bought for him (which wasn’t really to reward him but simply I want to buy a new toy for him).

He is learning to crawl. But as his head is rather heavy, he falls to one side and moves an inch forward, and falls to the other side and moves another inch forward.  That’s how he reaches his objects ahead.

He is trying to use his stomach muscles to help him sit up, and is still trying hard.  I am sure in no time, he will master this skill.

He is eating rice cereal and baby biscuits already.  Even though he has 7 teeth, I have not given him other foods as I am still not confident he can handle more solids other than biscuits.

He is a healthy 9.16 kg right now.  His weight seems to be my pride.  Even though my breastmilk supply has halved, I am still persistent in feeding till the very last drop my breasts are willing to produce.  It’s tiring and slightly demoralizing, but I shall persevere.

He is getting better at sleeping at night.  Even though he still wakes up once or twice every night, he is able to fall asleep again without being pacified with breastmilk.  Hence, I still wake up every time he wakes up and I am still sleep deprived.  Other babies his age can sleep from 7am to 7pm.  I have to accept my baby’s biological clock and be patient.

His sister and brother are his daily entertainers.  They love to play with him, and surprisingly very patient with him.  Such is the sibling love that I admire and appreciate.  Just hope he doesn’t turn out to be a small tyrant when he is older.

My life at this moment

me and the kids

I am currently on a 3 weeks break from work.  As I am quite tired out by the day demands of work and back to home with lots of house chores to do and demands of child-rearing, add in some serious sleep deprivation, I am a little off-balance right now.  My stress levels had made my health deteriorate and the doctor suggests that I take a good rest and meanwhile work out some adjustments in the family.

I am not sure what kind of adjustments to be done.  However, I had employed a part-time cleaner once a week to help tidy up the house for the health sake of my children as well as making me feel better that I am stepping on cleaner floors and breathing in less dusty air.

Taking a break like that somewhat saddens me as it seems that I am not capable of handling my household, child-rearing and my life.  Being a perfectionist, this may be understandable, yet I still feel I fail at some point.  Maybe the first thing I should do, is to change my mindset.  It’s easier said than done.  I need to relax and find my balance back for the sake of my health and my family.  I cannot afford to collapse.  My kids need me, my family needs me, I need to be healthy.

For these 3 weeks, I will rest as much as possible.  That includes replenishing my long deprived sleep, doing minimal house chores and learning to do nothing.  I will spend more time with my baby and kids when they are back from school.  I will take walks with the baby in my neighbourhood.  I will relax and read my books over a cuppa at a cafe.  I will go for spa to pamper myself.  I will write my blogs which I enjoy greatly and in itself a stress reliever.  I will go for a swim or go for a jog to revive my spirit and energy.  I will think positively (Yes, I am still learning and reminding myself to think positively, just like my blog says “Positive thinking – the way to remain sane“).  I will go throng the malls and shop to my heart’s content.

I will… just sit and do nothing…

Have you ever being off balance?

My little princess’ score card – progress in Primary 1

 

It’s been half a year that my dear princess goes to Primary 1.  Her score card in my eyes has been almost perfect so far.  And how happy am I to give her a near perfect score.  Taking into consideration that her Primary school is a well-sought after SAP (Special Assistance Plan) school (which means they place high emphasis on Chinese and it is mandatory for all students to take higher Chinese), she manages well with her school work and enjoys school so far.

 

She relates happenings in school to me and I am too glad that her teachers seem to be very passionate teachers especially her Chinese teacher 黄老师.  They tell interesting stories and crack jokes in the fun of learning to capture the children’s interest.  And her school makes sure parents are involved and know what their children are learning by making us sign on their assignment and textbooks frequently.  Academic-wise, I have totally no worries on her school’s model of teaching and guidance.

 

It’s a relief and “gift” for me that she does her homework after dinner on her own without any nagging from me and Kel.  She shows independence in passing me her school letters and making sure I sign on her worksheets and books without fail.  As a working mother, I could not spend time with her in the morning before school.  Hence, I mark out pages on her assessment books for her to complete in the morning so that I can mark and go through with her at night.  She did the assignment I gave her with no adults reminding her.  It saves me from what I would have otherwise experience stress and worries on her academic learning.

 

In XX’s first MA (Modular Assessment) test for English, she got full marks.  For Mathematics and Chinese, she got 23 and 24 out of 25 marks respectively.  I couldn’t ask for more.  Now in the second semester, her 2nd MA test, she got full marks for English again but careless mistakes and lack of focus on the questions cost her marks and she got 17 out of 25 for Mathematics.  Well, so to say, she has lots of room for improvement in her focusing skills and practising patience to read questions carefully before jumping to write answers.

 

XX’s first parent-teacher meeting has the same response from both teachers (Form teacher and Chinese teacher).  She day-dreams in class.  This observation has long been commented by her Yamaha teacher.  I feel attitude is extremely important for learning and doing anything well.  I know it will take lots of effort by herself and time to correct this day-dreaming problem, but I will help her and by her character, I am pretty sure she will improve sooner or later.  As for her attitude, if you were to read my earlier blog on “Learning Piano – from dread to love“, you will know that she has come a long way in improving her attitude.  Sometimes, if she seems to be relying on me to feed clues to questions in assessment books, I feel I have a guilty part to play.  I may be too obliging to give clues too quickly and just last night, I realize that XX seems to be lazy in reading music scores.  She has a good memory and for new song pieces, I spoon-fed her on correcting her fingering and wrong notes by reading the score to her while she focuses on memorizing what I say and what she remembers on the positioning of fingers on the keyboard.  That was a wake-up call for me to not be too involved and let her have a free hand and time to figure things out on her own!  It all points to the fact that this mummy is too impatient.  My girl must have picked up this bad trait from me.

 

XX had just experienced a long one month June school holidays.  I signed her up for a 3 day academic camp which she says it’s boring.  Kel sent her to her cousin’s house to play for a day every week.  I took leave on and off to keep her company and brought her to my gynae check-up in June as well.  Places we’ve been to during the June weekends includes the National Museum of Singapore for the Children’s Seasons, Yakult factory, taking part in the Safra Sprintkids Competition, Marina Barrage for kite flying with their cousins, Wild Wild Wet and Madagascar 3 movie screening.  Since we are not going overseas for the holidays, I thought this holiday for her must be boring.  But she seems to prefer boredom than to go school even though she enjoys school and she did not have much to do except to read books to finish her many book reviews homework.

 

Now that the holidays are over, she is back to school.  She asked to be signed up for Wu Shu （武术）and she has to wake up early every Saturday for this class.  It was tough on her to wake up early since she sleeps late at night and her school is in the afternoon.  Even then, I praised her for being such a good girl to fight sleep and wakes up without much violent protest.

 

Xuanxuan, mummy is so proud of you.  Keep it up my dear princess!